i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize