I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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