Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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