Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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