we have officially lost it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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