barbara walters just said penis...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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