i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
