I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
