And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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