like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
