i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
