I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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