her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
