Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Green mimosas i think yes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
