Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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