literally had 100 drinks last night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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