Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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