I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
