I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
