if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
