He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
