He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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