He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
