I wish I could punch you in the face.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
