I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
