I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
