I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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