Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
