saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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