And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
