well I can't set my house on fire every night
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sacagawea was the original milf.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
