my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
