I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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