Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
