when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
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