so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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