THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
