i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There r osticjed everywhere
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
