I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
