did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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