Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
