Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
