im so drunk with asians
where?
always
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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