roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
