Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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