do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I want is dick and wine.
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