I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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