is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
