I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
