We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
