It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
