I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
